Writing with pen and paper… on purpose

Someone would say this is a bit OCD. Perhaps it is.

Part of being OCD is being organized, which makes my life flow a little easier.

Nothing beats the feeling of writing organized thoughts, prayers, goals and plans with a pen and old-fashioned paper. ❤️

*Sometimes I switch it up and write my ‘ToDo’ lists in pencil just to remember that feeling. 😂 If you don’t know, you don’t know. 💯

#itsthelittlethings #oldfashion #kickingitoldschool #writing #paper #notebooks #calendar #organized #ocd #blogger #pentopaper #life #god #lifewithchrist #dejafeels

Writing out my prayers… on purpose

I started a prayer book in 2017.

Most entries were vague but this was a great way for me to express my thoughts and have something tangible to reflect back on as God continues to answer my prayers.

This year, I decided to be more specific and detailed in my prayers so God knows exactly what I need.

I know He knows what I need but sometimes I need to see exactly what I am asking for and what it is that I really need.


#godanswersprayers #writing #journaling #goodforthesoul #prayer #prayers #prayerbook #needsnotwants #knowthedifference #foreverfindingpurpose

I’m not like everyone else… on purpose

People have often said to me ‘you would have more clients if you advertise.”

Though this statement is probably accurate, I owe no one an explanation of why I run my business the way that I do.

I acknowledge this is a fair statement, so here’s my answer:

In the world of massage, we touch for a living.  Most folks are fully naked on my table (though it’s up to them on their comfort level.  FYI, I have also massaged people fully clothed).

During massage, some people react to touch, without even knowing it is happening. Totally normal.

What I will also tell you (and you may or may not find this as a surprise) is there are folks that are way too comfortable behind closed doors.

THOSE people think its ok to touch their therapist.  Clients also think its ok to ask for inappropriate behavior (sexual favors).

Some laugh about it (knowing its wrong) but trust me, people have no filter and with enough courage, will ask.

Let’s start with the “inappropriate behavior”  people:

First off: ITS ILLEGAL.  Secondly, I am a professional massage therapist.  I worked hard to get my license and I refuse to lose it over an extra dollar bill.

As for the clients that are way too comfortable and trying to be slick and cop a feel:

Geez… really buddy?

I’ve had my glutes (my butt) grabbled.  My pecs (breasts) grabbed (double handful, by the way).  I’ve had two different men jump off the table as soon as I was done with the service and try to kiss me.  <shaking my head>

I’ve had men try to ‘lead’ my hands to areas I refuse to massage.

9/10 out times I know the vibe of someone even before I get them on the table.  It’s a gut feeling and is usually accurate.

My guard is up regardless who it is (because you just don’t know) and I have been off my game a time or two… but never in a situation I couldn’t get myself out of.

I am not intimidated by these clients.   Here’s why:  first off, they are on my table – NAKED.

You don’t think for one second I know where to punch a man that will make him end up on the floor for days and possibly never conceive a child again?   Yeah.  They are messing with the wrong therapist.  I was raised that for any reason some person is exposing themselves or putting themselves in a position of unwelcomed behavior to punch or kick them in the balls and run. (Thanks momma!)

Secondly, I do know pressure points that will have anyone ever consider why they even thought about touching me.

With all that being said, and the situations I have been in a few times while massaging, I’ve never had to kick/punch but I have used pressure points and have had no problem calling them out on their actions and remind them why they are REALLY on my table:  TO GET A MASSAGE!

I know, gutsy right?  But it shuts them down and I continue with their massage.

I will also add that not one of those past clients have ever ended up back on my table again – THANK GOD!

So, back to the question of why I don’t publicly advertise – THIS IS WHY….

This world is filled with crazy individuals.  And people are just way to comfortable in private settings.

Since I am a referral base business ONLY, I trust my friends, family, etc. and my current clients to KNOW their own friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, bff, etc…. if not, then they need to reevaluate these people in their life.

Fortunately, I have not had any issues being in business for myself and my referral base is phenomenal.

So, to the ones that feel like I’m losing money by not advertising on Craigslist or have a website publicly for the whole world to view, do know this is NOT MY PURPOSE.

MY PURPOSE IN MASSAGE IS:  to educate people the importance of massage and why we need to make time to get massaged regularly.  Every massage therapist has their own technique and my technique may not be for everyone. And I am ok with that.

I just ask everyone to find a massage therapist and start taking care of their mind, body and soul.  WE ALL NEED IT!!!

And I am just going to continue doing what works for me!  Namaste’







Why do I stay up so late…. on purpose…

(WARNING: I’m sure there are way too many typos and grammatical errors….teacher friends: sorry. English teacher friends: really sorry. People that just want to correct me: #dontcare #itslate

Why do I stay up so late…. on purpose…

Not enough hours in the day to get everything done that I want too and then I realize how much time I actually waste worrying about life. Or “researching’ on how to do better in life….

[Researching: an ability to get lost on this thing called the internet, that one click here, one click there… Now 10 ‘open’ screens deep…

8 apps ‘running’ in the background…

Bookmarking this webpage (and hopefully remembering to remind myself to go check it out one of these days when I have ‘free time’, )…

saving that recipe because that would be a good one to make one day….

screenshooting every thing that reminds me of someone and (again, hopefully) remembering to txt it to them tomorrow (because if I txt it tonight (what time is it?), they’ll kill you if you wake them up by the annoying ding, followed by several more dings because I can’t just send one text. I have to send the screenshot, saved photo, article, joke… of what ever it was that reminded me of that person (that one text…one ding) and then adding my comment(s) (that could be two, three, sometimes more selecting on how good it 😂😂😂. ding, ding, ding) or explaining something (ding, ding)…

surrounded by several (not one or two… more like 3,5, 6 🤷🏼‍♀️ depends on the night really) different kinds of notebooks, notepads, different journals for different reasons, or pieces of paper held together with paperclips or inside a notebook related to the same topic….and a billion pens (with correction tape), highlighters (many colors, many sixes), pencils, #2 old school, most times (with erasers and pencil sharpener on hand ….)]

I ‘research’ just about anything but my main focus areas are: heath, massage, mental illness, wellbeing, dream vacation, ‘if I would ever get married again’ Pinterest (I’m a girl, I like to dream), flights to ummm… Kansas (friend(s) there, California (ooh, possible future job opportunity), Florida (because after all, it is the sunshine state and who doesn’t like sunshine and warmth this time of year), Jamaica (#2 bucket list) or I just find stuff that makes me laugh or while randomly creeping… I mean researching on social media, I end up posting stuff that make me laugh way to much or something that I can relate to and feel the need to share, forward or message photos, memes, ‘remember when’ songs… (some stuff is a MUST share) and I don’t want to be the only one sucked into the world of the internet….

You get my point…


So, once I get settled in on what I want to write about…

I tell myself I need to stop at a (such and such) time so I can get at least 8hr of sleep 😂😂😂 (never happens)… then when I look at the clock again … it’s 3 hrs later. 🤦‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ (thinking in my head: 5 hrs of sleep…I’ve functioned on less before) and then find myself yelling (yes yelling) to GO TO BED KERRIEANN! (I have a tone I use and all)! LoL (and yes, I do talk to myself). LoL


I find myself getting overwhelmed by all the tragedy going on in our lives. I can’t avoid it. It’s every where. Some good. Some bad. Some facts. Some not.

Everything. Everything you want to know is on the internet.


I spend all this time researching all this stuff.. I find myself asking myself (the one time I actually don’t speak a loud)… I have all this info…. Then what do I do with it??


I say all that because even tho I tell you about my sleepless nights, whining about being sleep deprived or having a headache the next day (sometimes many days)…

And I still take naps when I can (because our bodies need sleep to BE more productive.) but also because I have two jobs with a bit of flexibly.

I still feel like my time spent on the internet IS productive.

And I know for a fact that anything I write about will be useful one day. To someone.


Even if it’s only one person that saw what I posted and took the time to read my (one) blog, post, text… what ever…. if that one thing helped change a persons live, something in you, saved their life or made them smile…

All of this is worth it….


And that is the only time (other than vacations) that I wished we had more hours in our day to focus on the things we WANT to do (vacation, family time, down time, me time) and less on the the things we NEED to do… like work, eat, bath (you know… real life stuff). 😂

It’s 4am. Work by 10a. 5 hours. It’s functional. Good night, Good Morning. ❤️ Have am amazing day.

#blogger #sleeplessinvirginia #nightowl #writingwithapurpose #goals #life #challenges #ocd #mentalillnessawareness #helpingpeople #savinglives #massagetherapist #jackofalltrades #lovemylife #live #life #love


2018… the year I got to know myself… on purpose

As the end of the year has been quickly approaching, I’m reflecting on what I could have done better this year.

In all honestly, even tho some things didn’t go as planned, and every day can seem like baby steps… one thing for certain is God definitely has had my back this whole year.

With the previous years knocking me on my butt, I chose to take a leap in Faith when I felt I had no one else to turn to. No one really to talk to. A feeling of being alone. Depressed. Broken.

I needed guidance, bad! When everything else wasn’t working for me.

In January, I chose to be baptized. I felt it was a great way to get a fresh start, a purging of my past, a do-over. A ‘clean’ slate.

I know that’s not the way to look at it, but I felt like I needed a way to clean my past and therapy can be expensive. Plus I refuse to go on anti-depressants when life is kicking me hard.

So, between my amazing church family, my studies of the Bible, understanding who Jesus is and REALLY know what He has done for me by being my Savior…

I feel like I have a better peace of mind, less anxiety, diligent thoughts and the struggles of life hasn’t detained me as harshly as the past (or rather, ALLOWING to detain me).

It has been a blessed year with new opportunities for work travel, new friendships, rekindling some old relationships, tho still working on the forgiving others part (I said baby steps) and I’m moving into a new year feeling stronger (mentally, physically and definitely spiritually). 💯

As far as travel, I went to Key West & LA (tho both were too short of a trips).

Small getaways are just as important as the bigger trips. My goal in 2019 is to travel more, even if that means 3-4 day weekends. Tho I am hoping that my career will take me on adventures I never thought were possible. ❤️

As far as work, I had an amazing opportunity to not only massage, but hang out with a pretty cool R&B/Pop artist (and his team) while he was on his East Coast tour!

Seeing the life on the road with an artist makes you see things differently. Plus it takes a lot of dedication, trust in your team, hard work and above all, faith in yourself. This dude’s got it all!

He is by far the most genuine, humbling, grateful and appreciative young artist I have ever met (well, I haven’t met many but just my over all experience was pretty awesome and made me understand the entertainment world a lot clearer).

As far as my health, I have had a clean bill of health just one month ago. Though I do need to exercise more, overall, everything came back good and I have a baseline after 6 years of not having health insurance. So that’s good. 👍🏽

Sadly my mom has been battling cancer all year. Cancer is a sad disease. One day the drs say there is no hope and the next day (even next minute) a true miracle happens and she feels great and out of the hospital for a few weeks. 😩

I know 2018 was a horrible year for my parents with my mom having this sickness. All I can do is continue to pray for her (and the other millions of people fighting cancer) and hope mankind finds a cure, soon. 🙏🏽

Overall, as you can read, my year wasn’t horrible (other than my mom being sick). Oh and the thousands of dollars in parts and labor I had to put into my Jeep aka Silverlining. 😪

I had some closure on some derailed relationships, I found God and I have an amazing career that is the stepping stone to my future.

I am grateful for all I have and who I have in my life. I recognize what has been working for me and areas I need to improve on.

I look forward to all that God has in store for me in 2019 (and beyond).

Leaving my life in Gods hands is what’s been working for me. He’s the only man I can rely on. I’m not kidding either… lol

He is AMAZING! He is my God!

In Jesus’ Name. Amen. Amen. Amen.

#2018 #2019 #transition #betterme #healthy #mentally #physically #spiritually #livingmybestlife

I write about depression… a lot… on purpose

I watched an episode of Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith, Willow Smith and Adrianna Banfield-Norris, about Confronting Mental Illness, with Kid Cudi.

I write about mental illness a lot because I’ve been around emotionally ill people my whole life.

And I know I have had depression off and on through-out my whole life.

And I’m comfortable talking about it.

I’m not an expert on what someone needs to help them battle with what ever they are going through… but what I will say, I will always have an ear to listen.

We’re in a world today that it seems like everyone has some type of emotional illness going on.  And the other people that don’t get, don’t want to hear about it.

Its all over the news, every day.  All over our social media.  People taking their own lives because they think it’s the right answer and it just seems easier.


Like most childhoods, we had our share of family drama, family secrets and typical family fights.

Growing up in a small town, everyone knew your business.  Hiding family business wasn’t easy but learning to hide your emotions became a piece of cake.

I saw my first therapist at the age of 10.

In those days, HIPAA law wasn’t a thing, so everything I spoke about to the therapist, it was always followed up between my mother and the therapist behind closed doors at the end of every session.

Here is what I got out of therapy, at that age:  if I spoke the truth, I got my a$$ beat.  If I lied to the therapist, I still got my a$$ beat for wasting my parent’s money on therapy.

I often thought about what it would be like if I committed suicide… but honestly, I couldn’t do it because I knew my parents would have been madder at me for having to ‘clean up the mess’… rather than trying to find the real problem and try to help me.

I thought about running away.  But I had no money and I would not have been able to live in the woods forever.

I had the availability to open to mothers of my friends but if my parents knew I was talking about our family to people that should mind their own business, I got my a$$ beat again.   Oh, yet it was ok for them to talk about their horrible, bratty children to anyone and everyone, about everything.

I learned at a young age to trust no one.  This could explain why I moved from small town to big city, 3 states away, three days after graduating high school.  And have no regrets to this day.


At the age of 24-year-old, right after my mother attempted suicide her first time, I thought an anti-depressant is what I needed.

I didn’t like how they made me feel.  And sometimes I felt worse.  Numb from feelings.  Everyone kept saying ‘you’ll get used to them’.  After nearly a year and a few horrible therapists later, I decided to go off the prescription and seek self-help instead.

Alcohol.  Sex/Cheating.  Stealing.  Reckless.

It was easy to bandage the hurt inside.

That was nearly 20 years ago.


Fast forward 10 years later, several bad turns, toxic relationships, poor choices in decision making…

I found an amazing therapist that made me recognize that I wasn’t as ‘severely damaged’ as I thought I was.  I had baggage.  She made me see things differently.  She made me feel loved.  She was supportive and encouraging.  And was never afraid to tell me the truth.

She gave me tough love but made me recognize the difference between being depressed and just feeling sad and overwhelmed because of the things that were happening around me.

Sadly, she passed away a few years ago, but she left me with a few key components to get through life:

  • Communicate.
  • Love yourself first.
  • Stop bringing home ‘stray dogs.
  • Find hobbies (more than one).
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.
  • Don’t let your past define you.

Seems easy enough, right?  Common sense, right?

Well, its not.  Life is not easy sometimes.  Every day is struggle for most of us.  That’s what I want people that don’t understand mental illness to realize….  Every day is struggling to just keep our heads above water sometimes.


After watching Red Table Talk, I wish I had this information earlier in life.  I know my life would have turned out slightly different, however I don’t think that is how my life was supposed to go.

Every day, I try to find a reason to keep my head above water.  Even if that means just getting out of bed at 5p in the afternoon.  Sometimes, that little effort is all we can handle for one day.  And that’s OK!

Having depression will always be an uphill battle…but here’s what I want to say….

Find someone to talk to.  Someone.  Anyone.  But recognize if they are giving you the right advice or advice you just want to hear.

DO love yourself first.  I was told, if you can’t love yourself, how do you expect  to be able to know how to give or receive it when it right in front of you. Recognize YOU come first.  Give yourself ME days.  YOU are important.

Quit ‘rescuing’ people.  Quit trying to help people that will only end up taking advantage of you or give you bigger problems.  Stop trying to fix peoples problems.  Stop saving people, giving people places to live, transportation, especially when most would never do the same for you.

Find hobbies.  Find something to do with your ‘down time’.  And that means mental downtime.  You know how your mind wonders when we have stress or anxiety.

And lastly… Get more massages.  Its proven that massage helps with depression. 😊




#emotional #depression #anxiety #mental #illness #redtabletalk #realtalk #therapy #life #struggles #communicate #love #yourself #first #massage #massagetherapist #onelife



I had to stop beating myself up… on purpose

I saw a meme on IG that read: “I seriously can not wait until all the pieces come together and I finally understand why I went through everything I did” @wordporn

It’s been a constant battle in my life where I feel like I take two steps forward and somehow, someway, it takes me three steps back… Every. Dang. Time.

And battling depression doesn’t help.

Constantly beating myself up of why this, that and the other happens and always leading to a disaster or failure. Or when certain expectations lead me to setting myself up for total disappointment.

A year ago I felt at my lowest, alone, sad, disappointed in myself and a bit lost.

I needed to seek some type guidance but didn’t know who to turn to without feeling judged. And honesty, at that time, I burned most of my bridges of my closet peeps.

Who was the one & only person that I could trust at my most vulnerable time?

That’s when I realized I needed God in my life.

I decided to leap into Faith, started studying the Bible, focus on why Jesus is my Savior and have continued to work soulfully and spiritually on me and my relationship with God.

I’ve come a long way in a year.

I’ve since been baptized and I know I will always be a work in progress, regardless of my failures and achievements.

God never wants any of us to be stagnant, comfortable or complacent.

I already know why I had to go through everything I have in my 40+ years of life.

God did not put me in situations that I could not handle.

As I take the fails, the falls and the bruises, each time God gave me the strength to work on being a better me, learn from my mistakes and gave me the ability to realize some things just happen. This is life. And you can’t beat yourself up about it.

We can not control what will happen in life, how people are out there, or when our last day here on Earth is… we just need to do better of appreciating what we DO have, who we have in it and be thankful we are still alive.

I know days are still going to be hard. And there will always be days I don’t want to be social.

Only person that can judge me is God, and I know he won’t, as long as He knows I AM doing the best I can TODAY.

#wordporn #findyourstrength #believeinyourself #setgoals #live #life #love #laughoften #lifeistooshort #godsplans #tomorrowisnotpromised #onelife #onelove #determination #workhard #depression #mentalillness #playharder #knowyourworth #journey #destination #knowyourcircle #trustnoone #trustyourself #entrepreneur #beyourownboss #traveltheworld #appreciatelife #goodpeople #goodvibes #laughoften #music #massage #soulsearching #foreverfindingpurpose

Love Conquers Fear… on purpose

Though this scripture is about the Love one should have for God & Jesus and the Word….

it holds truth to what a real relationship should be made up of: PERFECT LOVE.

A real relationship, based on love, trust, communication, friendship and faith, should never feel fear.

Yes, it’s scary to start dating again. Yes, it’s scary to let your wall down and be vulnerable. All those can truly be legit fears…

but if the RIGHT person comes into your life, and you know it’s Gods doing…. take a leap and embrace it.

Love can be an amazing feeling, with the PERFECT LOVE. The same type of Love one should have for Christ, our Lord.

Love conquers fear!

#love #perfectlove #scripture #bible #1john418 #foreverfindingpurpose

I’m here… on purpose

I'm here... on purpose

Sometimes I don’t know what the heck I am doing with my life.  But one thing is for certain – I am here #onpurpose

Riding though this thing called life.

Not sure what I am doing or if its even right.

I hope and pray.

Especially during the difficult days.

Where am I supposed to be?

Is this really all on me?

Life has its challenges.

Life can be strange.

One thing for certain,

My days are never the same.

When I feel sadness or confused

Its easy to feel lost and hopeless.

I put my Faith in God

He’s the only one that seems true.

I’ve lost friendships and family

Because of my stupid mistakes

I’ve beat myself up about them

Way too many times than one person should take.

I am not perfect

And I am learning from each of those mistakes.

I walk in Faith with God

because he seems to know what is best for me.

Especially these days when I feel sad

And can’t see the best in me.

I am here for a purpose

There is not doubt in that.

I just ask that You keep me focused

And my head screwed on straight. LOL

Thank you God for always protecting me and guiding me during my most challenging times.  I know You have the best interest in me and will never steer me wrong.  In Jesus’ name. Amen.

#foreverfindingpurpose #faithingod #blog #blogwriter #aboutanything #mylife #mystory #lifegoeson #praisejesus #whenlifeishard #justsmile

Understanding mental illness… on purpose

If you’ve never had depression, you may never understand the fight mentally & physically.

Here’s what I’m going to tell you… depression is a hidden disease. A painful one. And some have it worse than others.

This is not something that can just change over night. It’s not something a therapist can fix after a few sessions. And for some people, it never goes away.

No explanation of why they feel like they do. Sometimes being alone is the happier place. And safer choice. You gravitate to what’s comfortable. And being anti-social is sometimes where they feel they need to be.


Someone sent me this article.

Even if you don’t understand the disease completely, hopefully this article will share some insight to those around that suffer from depression or any mental disease.

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #depression #bipolar #suicide #mentalillness #mentalhealthdisease


Shoveling snow



Now Anthony Bourdain.

When you have depression it’s like it snows every day.

Some days it’s only a couple of inches. It’s a pain in the ass, but you still make it to work, the grocery store. Sure, maybe you skip the gym or your friend’s birthday party, but it IS still snowing and who knows how bad it might get tonight. Probably better to just head home. Your friend notices, but probably just thinks you are flaky now, or kind of an asshole.

Some days it snows a foot. You spend an hour shoveling out your driveway and are late to work. Your back and hands hurt from shoveling. You leave early because it’s really coming down out there. Your boss notices.

Some days it snows four feet. You shovel all morning but your street never gets plowed. You are not making it to work, or anywhere else for that matter. You are so sore and tired you just get back in the bed. By the time you wake up, all your shoveling has filled back in with snow. Looks like your phone rang; people are wondering where you are. You don’t feel like calling them back, too tired from all the shoveling. Plus they don’t get this much snow at their house so they don’t understand why you’re still stuck at home. They just think you’re lazy or weak, although they rarely come out and say it.

Some weeks it’s a full-blown blizzard. When you open your door, it’s to a wall of snow. The power flickers, then goes out. It’s too cold to sit in the living room anymore, so you get back into bed with all your clothes on. The stove and microwave won’t work so you eat a cold Pop Tart and call that dinner. You haven’t taken a shower in three days, but how could you at this point? You’re too cold to do anything except sleep.

Sometimes people get snowed in for the winter. The cold seeps in. No communication in or out. The food runs out. What can you even do, tunnel out of a forty foot snow bank with your hands? How far away is help? Can you even get there in a blizzard? If you do, can they even help you at this point? Maybe it’s death to stay here, but it’s death to go out there too.

The thing is, when it snows all the time, you get worn all the way down. You get tired of being cold. You get tired of hurting all the time from shoveling, but if you don’t shovel on the light days, it builds up to something unmanageable on the heavy days. You resent the hell out of the snow, but it doesn’t care, it’s just a blind chemistry, an act of nature. It carries on regardless, unconcerned and unaware if it buries you or the whole world.

Also, the snow builds up in other areas, places you can’t shovel, sometimes places you can’t even see. Maybe it’s on the roof. Maybe it’s on the mountain behind the house. Sometimes, there’s an avalanche that blows the house right off its foundation and takes you with it. A veritable Act of God, nothing can be done. The neighbors say it’s a shame and they can’t understand it; he was doing so well with his shoveling.

I don’t know how it went down for Anthony Bourdain or Kate Spade. It seems like they got hit by the avalanche, but it could’ve been the long, slow winter. Maybe they were keeping up with their shoveling. Maybe they weren’t. Sometimes, shoveling isn’t enough anyway. It’s hard to tell from the outside, but it’s important to understand what it’s like from the inside.

I firmly believe that understanding and compassion have to be the base of effective action. It’s important to understand what depression is, how it feels, what it’s like to live with it, so you can help people both on an individual basis and a policy basis. I’m not putting heavy shit out here to make your Friday morning suck. I know it feels gross to read it, and realistically it can be unpleasant to be around it, that’s why people pull away.

I don’t have a message for people with depression like “keep shoveling”. It’s asinine. Of course you’re going to keep shoveling the best you can, until you physically can’t, because who wants to freeze to death inside their own house? We know what the stakes are. My message is to everyone else. Grab a fucking shovel and help your neighbor. Slap a mini snow plow on the front of your truck and plow your neighborhood. Petition the city council to buy more salt trucks, so to speak.

Depression is blind chemistry and physics, like snow. And like the weather, it is a mindless process, powerful and unpredictable with great potential for harm. But like climate change, that doesn’t mean we are helpless. If we want to stop losing so many people to this disease, it will require action at every level.

– Anonymous