life – Forever Finding Purpose

SINGLE ON PURPOSE

A book by John Kim

1/4/26

I’ve started this book at least 3 times in the past and never finished it.

One of my goals this year is to read more.

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I have been single since 2017. Not that I haven’t “looked” but quite honestly, the last 9 years have been a bit of a whirlwind that my focus has been on healing and survival.

My last relationship lasted slightly over 2 years. I knew from the beginning it wasn’t a healthy relationship, but yet I stayed in it as long as I did because it was nice “having someone’.

It started with lies, lack of trust, stealing from me, taking advantage of me, punching holes in my walls, smashing anything that had sentimental value all while I was taking care of his sorry ass every time he lost a job (which was quite often).

I prayed to God to give me strength to remove this man from life.

Every time I kicked him out, I allowed him back again because I felt sorry for him.

Perhaps I hated being alone too.

Then one day I heard a voice in the background of one of his snapchat videos where his coworkers told him to ….”Use that old white bitch”. (Did I also mention he was many years younger than me.) He denied it by saying it wasn’t about me but fortunately a few weeks later he left to become a stripper (swear to God).

Beginning of 2018, I got saved and was living life like a good Christian. Going to church, becoming active in my church, living a Christian life with a purpose.

At the end of 2018, he failed not only as a stripper but his multiple other jobs in another state, that he moved back to the area. My dumb ass allowed him to sleep on my couch as he was closer to his new job (one that I got him).

2 months later, I found out that he tried to make moves on my (now adult) daughter and completely lie about it. I gave him two options: calling the police to have him removed or put him in a mental institute. He chose the mental institute.

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At the beginning of 2019, I decided to start fresh and give up my apartment and rent a bedroom instead. I was tired of taking care of people and needed to put myself first.

I was full time self-employed massaging and working part time at an architect firm.

By early summer, I had an opportunity to work at a domestic violent shelter.

I thought this is what God wanted me to do next.

I also agreed to take on a job at a barber shop that is nearly an hour from where I was living at the beginning of 2020. I thought this was a great opportunity to network and maybe consider moving to the ‘country’ in the future.

Looking back, I shouldn’t have taken the job at the shelter. With my (then) lack of boundaries and always wanting to help, I lost my mind, I lost myself and I felt more confused in life than ever before.

May I also add that having a world-wide pandemic at the time didn’t help me mentally, physically and emotionally.

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By the end of 2021, I was no longer working at the shelter. I also quit the architect job to become full time at the barber shop. I moved in with my daughter and stepson and I can honestly say my living situation has been awesome. Still an hour from the country, but I have no regrets.

Though it’s been tough building a clientele where people still look at massage as a luxury (I get it because I was once that person too), but I do have some solid regulars. The struggle is having a steady work schedule. With that being said, I’m fortunate I still have some personal clients and taking on pet sitting jobs near my job.

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Reading ‘Single on Purpose’ will help me become a better version of myself.

John Kim says “I need to build a better one with myself before I could build anything healthy and meaningful with anyone else.”

“Take advantage of the time you’re unattached to explore you. Your patterns. Your definitions. How you love and why. Your dreams. The dent you want to make in this world. You must explore your relationship with self. YOU MUST BE WITH YOURSELF FIRST.”

“Singlehood isn’t just about being single. Singlehood is about being a whole person.”

“A thriving relationship is one in which two whole people come together and do life WITH each other, not at or around each other.”

“When you start working on yourself instead of just focusing on who you’re going to love, the universe will work through you to make your story bigger than you. Then when you meet someone who deserves you, you will only bring more to the table as a whole person who is going somewhere.”

“Your journey never ends. It just changes as you change. The journey only happens if you decide to go on it. There is a call to action. If you decide not to embark on the voyage, you will always live in the past. You will stay muted. Angry. Miserable. Incomplete.”

“Should you decide to take this call, your relationship with yourself will strengthen and you will take ownership of your life. You will evolve and start living closer to your truth and potential. Your whole outlook will change, and great things will happen. Things you would not have seen with your old outlook.”

And that is only the introduction.

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I do know I am in better head space. I’m in a safe environment where I do not have stress, toxicity or worry.

I have been working on myself for the last several years, mentally. However, I have let my health deteriorate and it shows. This year, as a promise to myself, I am going to get physically healthy.

I also want to be a better Woman of God.

According to AI: A woman of God is defined more by her inner character and actions – like faith, kindness, wisdom, humility and service – than by outward appearance, reflecting her deep relationship with God through a gentle and quiet spirit, a love for His word, and a commitment to honoring Him in her words and deeds, embodying strength and dignity (Proverbs 31). She’s characterized by her heart for God and others, showing Christ’s love through compassion, integrity and perseverance, even amidst challenges.

As I walk in my faith, I know God has a purpose for me. Getting myself physically in shape will allow me to handle what He is about to give/show me!

Going into 2026 with an open mind, feeling better about myself and letting Christ lead me is exactly where I need to be if I should find a Godly Husband.

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GOALS AND REFLECTION 2026

12/29/25

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:13

As I sit here thinking about my 2026 goals, I’ve realized how much I have lost myself in the last 6 years.

Then I got to really thinking and realize, well, I’ve lost myself more than 6 years ago.

Can’t tell you exactly when I lost myself but I can tell you that I haven’t been well for many years. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

If I just start with the last 6 years of my life, I can tell you my body has been in flight or fight.

I started a new job right February 29, 2020. Literally right before the pandemic. Working at a DV shelter and part time for an architect firm. I quit the architect firm to put more focus at the shelter (because I thought that is where God wanted me to be at the time) while also building a new clientele in an area that is mostly blue collar and massage is consider a luxury. Its also in a barber shop.

A year after the pandemic, I started having health issues physically and mentally. I saw a lot of doctors over a 4 month period: rheumatologist cardiologist, neurologist, MRI, CT Scan. In the end most health issues were induced by stress. Physical and psychological. I was definitely a hot mess at that time. Not long after that, I got fired from the DV shelter because I lost my sh*t on a client and kids for not following the rules. SMH. A moment I am not proud of.

I moved in with my kids and literally hit the road running. Working a 10 hour day. Most days are a 50-60 minute commute (one way). Some nights can be 90 minutes. The longest time was 2 hours, 10 minutes but that was during construction on the express lanes and there was a really bad accident on the regular lanes.

The last several years I have been in a mode of survival and making sure I can pay my bills. I don’t make nearly what I used to working independently or for a high end spa closer to the city. I am legit just surviving some days.

I also picked up a pretty good side hustle by watching people’s pets. It’s less than 10 minutes from work and I am saving gas. I don’t have to witness daily accidents or keep up with the crazy drivers and pray you don’t get run over.

I’m good about making sure I’m good financially, but personally, I am struggling.

I don’t have a social life. Not because I don’t want one. One, because I don’t have the time to have one and two, I don’t want to make the time to have one. I’ve grown comfortable in my little bubble and been hyper focused on just going to work and going home. On repeat, often.

I am sometimes exhausted at the end of the day, the last time I want to do is be social. Honestly, there are days I sit more than I do work, so the stagnant physical position has messed up, mentally. Physically – well, it shows. 53pounds in 4 years. Scary.

Definitely not who I used to be. Nor who I continue to want to be.

I’ve gone on some great trips over the last 5 years. I went to see some people I have met over the last few years. Spent some quality time with family. Our family welcomed two great-nieces, one great-nephew and another great-niece/nephew on the way!! There was also a period when my family and I weren’t talking for a bit of time (again). My fault. I have a big mouth.

I have met some incredible clients and a few that I now call friends. I can say I have experienced country life (as an adult) and it very much reminds me of where I grew up. Small town. Everyone knows each other. 20-25 minutes to go anywhere for shopping or decent food. Sadly, it lacks diversity. Except for Friday evenings at the local Food Lion lol (inside joke).

So, this brings me to writing my goals for 2026.

I know I need to make some changes in my life. Major changes.

I will make an intentional effort to DO better.

An intentional effort to BE better.

An intentional effort to make better choices.

I want to experience life like I used to feel (free spirited).

The person I used to be (adventurous, well-being, connective with people, disciplined, joyful).

Mend some relationships I totally cut off. I realize that’s how I handle embarrassment or shame.

I want to feel me again. Making wiser choices regarding food and being disciplined to working out again. Work on becoming more social again and spend quality time with family and friends.

This post is my affirmation to being healthier, happier and the best version of myself.

I also know it’s tougher doing it alone. For me, the healthiest, most successful and encouraging way to achieve these goals are through disciple, will-power, support, encouragement from friends/family and through God.

I am putting God first in everything I do. Though Him, I can do anything. He has a purpose for me. I just need to make the effort and work for it. Continue to be guided by Him because I know He will not steer in the wrong direction.

I still have lots to learn. I know I will still make mistakes. That’s life.

Going through life with God makes me more encouraged to see where He takes me.

I have a PURPOSE. Only He knows what it is!!

I am HERE for it all!