Autoimmune disease and life situations can make a person crazy.

Some days can be heavier (mentally) than others.  Physically its hard to say. Every day is a new day.    

My writings are random and very all over the place.  Sometimes that is how my brain works.  I hope to consistently make an effort to write something, every day.  Even if it’s just a hello.

At the end of the day – we’re all just surviving.   Some of us barely hanging on.  Life is hard.  Faced with challenges. Faced with the enemy some days. 

You’re working on overcoming what you have just become.  And some of if it is hard pill to swallow knowing we worked hard to get to that point to only recognize that we’re wounded the whole time.  Keep giving just so they stay and we’re not alone.  We allowed things to happen.  That’s for discussion at a later time. 

We have to ask what we have learned.  How can we not make the same mistake moving forward.  Well guess what?  Some of us keep making the same mistake 2, 3, 5… over and over. 

Trust me.  One day you’ll be tired and want to take care of you.  And only you.  Only you can control how you feel. What makes you happy.  Not letting others actions or comments affect how we think of ourselves. 

Thanks for reading. I’m just here to write my thoughts so I don’t have to keep them in my head. And maybe open up for discussion.  I can’t be the only one feeling crazy.

May 1, 2024.

Going on day 5 of fasting.  Feeling energetic.  Mind is clear.  Open.  I even had a massage today to help detox. I made a batch of beet juice and drank some.   My stomach started gurgling during the massage.  Should be a good BM tomorrow.  About to do some lymph work on my body.  Its 2:10a.  I usually like to give myself 60-90 minutes and sometimes 2 hour massages.  I do not know how long I will do but I’ll at least get it focused on my bloated stomach. 

I had a great day.  Fell asleep at 3:30? 4a?  I am not even sure but woke up at 10:20a and I knew it was late but I did not realize it was that late.  Went to Cassie’s to have coffee.  Oil change, inspection, beet juice.  Danced on Cassie’s deck.  Repotted Lily and Eddie.  Lily actually had a good several enough to separate.  I gave Ju 1/3 of Lily and now she has Shazam in her room.

I do miss dancing.  I miss how it makes my whole body feel everything.  Music.  On beat.  Love me some dancing.  I am also trying to heal my body and get rid of toxins in my body. 

I am in pain most days.  My whole body aches.  Most of the time.  Most days. Nothing new.  I have been to Dr Lee, saw a Rheumatologist tell me it could be Lupas, it could anything.  Symptoms all overlap with each other.    

4.5 years and during that period the patient typically has seen four doctors.

I started all this in 2014-2015 when I started having aches and pains in my gut.  Nothing was flowing regularly.  Had a colonoscopy. Everything was fine.   I have always had gut issues.  My whole life.  Abdominal issues.  Pelvic issues.  Cancer cells in the endometrial lining of the uterus.  Hysterectomy in 2008.

Massaging in Tysons.  Personal clients.  Sex with one person.  Even though I knew I was not his only one.  He made that clear from the get-go when we started hanging out.  Life was good.  Actually, life was pretty great then. 

I was feeling good, physically and mentally I knew I was okay.  I did not have much drama in my life.  I’m doing okay.  Except when I actually pause and look at what I am feeling – I realize how much my system is not regular and my gut is not just off.  I started doing enemas. Amazing.  Painful.  Very painful.  It was the days later when you felt clear.  Free of toxins in the gut.  Feel free.  In your body and your mind is clearer.  Less heavy. These enemas are no joke.  They will have your body having tremors and sweating like you just a hot pepper and your asshole is on fire but I am telling you from my own experience that it helps me clean out my gut faster.  Is it healthy?  Some countries require it annually.  I used to do them frequently. 

End of 2015 is when I started feeling physical pain in my body.  I thought it was stress induced and I am sure most of it was because at that time I allowed a young man, half my age, to just move in with me. Have has friends there all the time.  Use my jeep.  Steal my money.  Lie to me.  I could go on for days. 

Yes, I allowed all that to happen because he brought me happiness.  We enjoyed our time together.  Well, at least he made me laugh and pee my pants 2x.  He made me feel sexy about myself and I loved his affection. 

I also realize I was coddling a grown man, not making him accountable for staying at my place.  Rent free for him.  Paid cell phone.  Ladies and gentlemen  – what we do for love. 

“What You Won’t Do for Love” ~Bobby Caldwell

Its ok. I have moved on.  I learned a lot about myself and had it not been for that relationship, I would not be in one with God.  Thank you Dre!  Without that relationship, I would not recognize the anger I have when people do me wrong.  Or make me think I am the crazy one.  I sir am not crazy.   Your just made I caught you at your own game.  Lies. Lies. Lies. 

I realize I was looking for man results in a boy.  I expected way too much and allowed way too much for what?  I cute nickname and a person to make me laugh.

I don’t know.

I can say today is the first day I am trying to eat better.  Start lymphatic drainage for the next 30 days.  Vitamin D3 and Vitamin K2.

Combined –helps with blood clotting, calcium metabolism, and healthy heart.  Bone health.  I’m getting older. I need to keep my bones strong. 

I need a healthy heart.  I need healthy arteries.  These two vitamins combined will help with all of this. 

I’m willing to try anything to feel better.  I’m sure my insides are not healthy.  They definitely aren’t on the outside.  I get sad when I look at my body.  How I “let myself go”.

Crazy because I was thinking about that phrase today… “Let myself go”.

I read an article on swimbikemom.com titled “5 Ways to Get a Grip When You’ve “Let Yourself Go”.  One of the questions was “How do we get a grip w hen we have let ourselves go?” and the response is as follows:

1. Acknowledge the current state of things.
2. Must offer up forgiveness and love to ourselves.
3. We should make a list (or two).
4. Take action – ANY TYPE OF ACTION
5. Keep moving forward.

Helpful list:

What are three of my life’s goals?

What is MOST important to me?

What do I want to be remembered for?

Pretty good article. 

I just need to set routines and stick with them.  Discipline.  Stop being lazy.

Though I know am not lazy… I can be utilizing my downtime better and realize how much time in the day we kind of do have.